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Reviews
Unfrosted (2024)
Soda Pop Art
This a really funny film but the drawback is that the references are all so specific to the early 60's (with a few anachronisms) that a lot of younger reviewers will have their hair parted by the sheer volume of jokes going over their heads. They can however enjoy the stacked cast (loved Bill Burr as JFK) and I dare I say that it manages to redeem some actors like Amy Schumer and Melissa McCarthy who have been in the cultural doghouse for quite some time. The script is packed with all sorts of wild ideas and sometimes even gives some food for thought. What at first seemed like a silly idea for a story reminded me that that's what comedies are and the script had so much detail that I was reminded of all sorts of movies from Blake Edwards to Willy Wonka. Thanks Jerry for making an actual comedic movie - something I haven't seen in a long while.
Avatar: The Way of Water (2022)
Avatwo : Billion Dollar Babies
Problems. This films got 'em. The main one being that James Cameron thinks that we all want to take a holiday on Pandora, a world that is nowhere near as cool as he thinks it is. Secondly, every character has turned into a blue alien now - even the bad guy. Jake Sully has a tonne of kids and they all look like him! There are so many identical looking characters I couldn't tell them all apart . Finally the plot is so simplistic and can be summed up as follows: Hour 1 - Hero has a family now and they are under threat. Hour 2 - Family runs away to hide and goes swimming. Hour 3 - Villains find them and there is a battle. The end. Save the Alien Whales is the ultimate message of this film - an ideal we have been aware of for 50 years. To remind us of this Cameron has to create a lot of evil Earth people who have somehow forgotten their own history. Could happen but ultimately you walk out being reminded not to do something you grew up knowing was wrong and Jim spent millions on this redundant message. The whole thing played like a crazy sequel to The Sound of Music where the Von Trapps run off to the Bahamas and get pursued by Nazi U-boats. Kate Winslet totally disappeared and I'm not even sure which character she played. Sigourney Weaver however was excellent as usual and her character stood out in a literal sea of CGI clones.
Star Wars: Episode VI - Return of the Jedi (1983)
The beginning of the end.
Everything that fans criticise about the prequel trilogy starts here in Return of the Jedi. The screenplay lacks the humour of the first two films and the characters are serious and barely recognisable from their previous incarnations. Kasdan makes the fatal blunder of keeping our hero's actions mysterious in the first act making Jabba the Hutt the default lead of the film and confusing us as to whose story is really being told. The audience is left cold by Alan Hume's muddy cinematography and Richard Marquand's weak directing - especially in the action sequences which don't come close to those in the first two films. Lucas painted himself into a corner in this respect by quitting the Director's Guild and severely limiting the talent available to him. ILM, Ben Burtt and John Williams acquit them selves admirably as usual and the drama of the Luke/Darth/Emperor confrontation keeps the film afloat despite the rehashed Death Star attack and the goofy Ewok battle. The Ewoks are criticised for being childish and silly even though they are no less silly than say the Jawas in the first film, however the cartoonish alien elements were used as entertainment in the first two stories and didn't factor into the drama of the final battle sequences which is why I think audiences felt something was off in this story. Despite all this it is still our last true journey into the original world of Star Wars, a place we haven't been to since 1983.
Godzilla, King of the Monsters! (1956)
Godzilla: King of the Metaphors!
The story is simple. Godzilla appears out of the ocean one day to stomp all over Tokyo on his way to monster movie legend . The scientists surmise his existence is due to nuclear testing in the Pacific. In which case Gojira (his Japanese name) shows remarkable bad taste in destroying another city in the only country ever targeted by an atomic bomb strike. He should be stomping on Los Angeles and chewing on the Hollywood sign or crushing Paris and destroying the Eiffel Tower with his nuclear breath. In any case the Japanese seem to have forgiven him because Godzilla is a national hero nowadays. Way to go Goji, treat 'em mean - keep 'em keen!
Star Wars: Episode IX - The Rise of Skywalker (2019)
The Guise of Skywalker
If only JJ Abrams had Luke Skywalker to lift this drowning franchise out of the drink. The sunken imagery that this movie has in abundance is an apt description of where it's all going. The whole thing plays like The Goonies in space and the treasure hunt gimmick of the dagger that shows them where to search is so tired and stupid that it just beggars belief. Who would come up with such a thing? It just further underscores how JJ mindlessly imitates the better stories that have come before him. (To be fair treasure maps are in themselves a stupid idea - who would make a map showing others how to steal their money?) The final insult comes as the long-awaited identity of Rey is discovered and then denied as she decides instead to take on the name of her mentor. If Return of the Jedi ended that way it would go something like this:
"What's your name kid?"
"Luke."
"Luke what?"
"LUKE YODA"
Top Gun: Maverick (2022)
Cruise evades the sequel danger zone
A true cinematic experience with spectacularly "shot" flying sequences that eclipse anything in the first film and frankly any flying film ever. Tom "Maverick" Cruise is tasked with training a new generation of hotshot Top Gun pilots for your classic Dambusters/Star Wars impossible mission against the same unidentified foreign power. I was very nearly underwhelmed until the last thirty minutes where they presented a heart-warming and action-packed tribute to the original film that I didn't expect but really enjoyed, though to be honest I could have done without the lacklustre Jennifer Connelly love story.
Captain Marvel (2019)
11 on the confuse-o-meter.
Let me introduce you to the confuse-o-meter. This device measures the incomprehensibility of a movie on a scale from 1 - ARTISTIC INTENTION to 10 - INCOMPETENCE. In other words on a scale from Alain
Resnais to JJ. Abrams. On my third try to watch this movie (strictly for the sake of completion since I have seen all the Marvel movies so far) I have still only managed to make it 25 minutes in. I have always held that if a movie doesn't grab your interest in the first act then it never will. So this is my last try. I have rated it a 5 to due to being unable to understand this movie in any way at all.
Ghostbusters: Afterlife (2021)
Ghostbusters: Afterlaugh
A long, boring, repetitive, and unfunny kids movie that owes more to Spielberg than Reitman. Nothing remotely original about any of it. The actors tried hard but they were continually underserved by a script that ripped off everything from American Graffiti to Pixar. Not to mention the third act rehash of the Ghostbusters storyline which manages to destroy any mystery characters like Gozer and Ivo Shandor had by casting them with known modern actors.
The Matrix Resurrections (2021)
ThE JoNwIX
TMR is a Sara Lee danish of a movie. A solid base of re-hashed action, a soft fruity centre of second act boredom and light flaky pastry of meta fan service. At times I felt like I was watching some kind of Saturday Night Live sketch making fun of a Matrix sequel. Congratulations The Matrix you have joined the ranks of great 20th century movies ruined by modern Hollywood. No one can tell you how lame this is, you have to see it for yourself.
Pulp Fiction (1994)
Seinfeld with guns.
Unpopular opinion but Tarantino is not a cinema director. Every scene he writes is like a sitcom scene where characters argue like little Fonzies' over the dinner table. The movie is entertaining but can only maintain short bursts of plot before moving onto the next argument over a passed out gangster's wife. Travolta is of course Jerry whose comedy/heroin addiction sucks in the female lead Mia/Elaine. Jackson is Kramer with his whacked-out take on life and Willis is of course George who would sacrifice anything for his obsessions. If anyone could put a bullet in Jerry it would be George. My favourite bit is Samuel Jackson's revelatory speech to Tim Roth in the film's final episode. That and the fantastic premature freeze frame on Amanda Plummer that precedes the film's credits.
Dirty Grandpa (2016)
Dirty Grandpa is a movie.
Hollywood is an industry that employs a lot of people and this movie can be praised for keeping them employed. I have seen a lot of movies in my life. Dirty Grandpa is one of them.
Shaft (1971)
But I'm talking 'bout Shaft....
This is a film featuring beautiful grungy 70's photography with gorgeous New York Street locations. The occasional cool scene can't hide the fact that the film makes little sense and and at no point did I understand what was going on or what the film was about. I think someone kidnapped the Mayor's daughter? I dunno.
The Godfather Part III (1990)
Godfather Part 70's
People like to blame the lack of fan acceptance on Sofia Coppola when the true reason is that Francis changed Michael Corleone's hair. Godfather nerds were upset that Pacino was no longer the ruthless Terminator of the previous films but laid the blame solely at the feet of Sofia Coppola whom they accused of being the shallow daughter of a powerful man. Totally missing the point that she is playing the shallow daughter of a powerful man. Her subsequent career as an amazing film director should encourage a re-evaluation of her performance here. Plus we get Eli Wallach which easily makes up for the lack of Robert Duvall.
Goldfinger (1964)
Going for Gold
There is a famous theory that Indiana Jones plays no part in the outcome of Raiders of the Lost Ark and it could equally be argued that James Bond plays no part in the outcome of this story, but that doesn't mean it's not a great movie. He spends the second half of the film hanging around at Goldfinger's pleasure and it is never really explained why Pussy Galore decides to betray Goldfinger and assist the CIA in foiling his plan. The army could have taken out Oddjob themselves and Bond doesn't even defuse the bomb at the end as an expert pushes him out of the way at the last moment. But what this film really does is set the tone for the Bond series here on out and arguably for popular entertainment itself for the rest of the sixties. It features so many iconic scenes and ideas that it has cemented James Bond as a film icon for all time.
30 Rock (2006)
Probably the greatest sitcom of all time
I've seen every episode over and over - each viewing reveals gags you missed the first time because the lines come thick and fast. Add to that great characters who are both good and bad at the same time and you end up with a show that is an all time classic. The finishing touch being the fantastic music which lifts it above all its competition and catapults it into the realm of greatness.
A Star Is Born (1976)
A Star Is Bored
You know it's not going to work when the actress playing a supposed ingenue also happens to be the producer of the movie. Streisand utterly dominates the story so much that Kristofferson virtually disappears. All drama is rendered null when there is no competition. Nice to see a cameo from Tony Orlando though.
Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb (1964)
This film is an utter masterpiece.
I think the fact that it is a comedy prevents people from admitting that this is the most incisive analysis of humanity and its foibles ever rendered on celluloid. This should be the number one film on the IMDB list but for the fact that people will always place sentimentality ahead of cold perception of reality.
Mechanic: Resurrection (2016)
Mechanic: Bored Again
Jasin Stayfum does his best and a surprisingly well known cast are wasted in this boring and largely incomprehensible production. I only watched this film because it's on TV and my internet is down.
Aliens (1986)
First Acid Blood
James Cameron famously wrote the script for this film and Rambo at the same time. Oddly he basically ended up writing the same film twice: A PTSD suffering hero is dropped back into the location that birthed all their trauma and manages to rescue a lone survivor then a failed rescue leaves them stranded and forced to fight their way out while various 80's yuppie scumbags get in their way. Both films are sequels to very different origin movies and both films up the guns and ammo quotient to great effect and much success. This film doesn't have the intricate level of set detail that its predecessor had but still features incredible design work from Syd Mead, Ron Cobb and Cameron himself. The film is incredibly atmospheric and creates a slow build up to a relentless third act climax that leaves the audience breathless. It's maybe Cameron's best film alongside T2 where he manages to balance action and character together into an unforgettable cinema experience. In 1986 I saw it on the day it was released and then three more times in a row after that. One of the most telling events demonstrating the quality of this film might be that Sigourney Weaver was nominated for an Oscar for her performance despite it being in a genre (Sci-f/Horror) that the Academy Awards usually ignored. For Jim Cameron it was just the beginning.
Blade Runner 2049 (2017)
Can't replicate the original.
Just too slow moving and devoid of action. The story only picks up for a moment when Harrison Ford returns, the most engaging sequence being the fist fight in the Vegas casino. It's exciting to finally be reunited with the first film despite the fact that Deckard no longer looks like a middle-aged Elvis Costello and now looks more like an elderly Simon Cowell.
Terminator: Dark Fate (2019)
Interminable
A weird Terminator film with no Terminator, no action just a bunch of girls driving around yelling at one another until they catch up with Carl: The Decorator. Can't wait for the sequel "Decorator 2: It's Curtains for Humanity"
Star Trek: Picard (2020)
Season One Episode One
I've never seen a bigger collection of old writing cliches straight out of an episode of Get Smart - an old painting that looks exactly like a young girl? The hero traumatised by nightmares featuring dead characters from the show? The mysterious necklace? (always accompanied by the same dialogue "thats a beautiful necklace where did you get it? My father gave it to me it represents blah blah...") The antagonistic interview info-dump and the person who gets attacked and suddenly realises they have the capacity to be a kick-ass assassin? They are all here. I'll keep watching because I still enjoyed Patrick Stewart but mainly because I want to see Seven of Nine again.
Titanic (1997)
Terminator 1912
In Titanic (T3) James Cameron unwittingly remakes his first hit The Terminator. In both films a couple struggle to escape an unstoppable machine which is on a relentless course to destroy them. Only the girl survives but it is unknown whether Kate is pregnant with a child who will save all mankind. In this case I guess it means the iceberg is Skynet since it programs the Titanic on its mission to take them down.
The Terminator (1984)
Back to the Past
Terminator is the action thriller version of that other time travel classic Back to the Future. Just like Marty Mcfly, John Conner is faced with a time travel conundrum which keeps his parents apart and threatens his very existence. So he manipulates his dad into a situation where his mom can fall in love with him. In both cases a muscle bound threat gets in the way (Terminator/Biff) which I guess means that Doc Brown is Skynet?
Star Trek: The Motion Picture (1979)
Second review
I watched five or six episodes of the original series then watched this again - all of a sudden this movie was incredible and a true Star Trek story right down to Kirk's final bluff and the crew figuring out the situation and how to resolve it. A fantastic epic version of the original show. I would argue that it's lack of acceptance is due to the fact that it is really a hour long story stretched out to two.